I cannot expect you to understand.
I have always been a fairly private person and avoid the negative, but I think sharing some of the occasional pain can bring us closer as well. Pleas indulge me as I share my heartache with you.
It will take a long time for those embers of passion and love for her to subside. You can feel like internal tug of war pulling on you when you consider reaching out one more time.
I have prayed that my love for her would be enough over the years, in the end I learned that love alone is not enough. I know it is the pillar you build a relationship on, but it is not the fuel that keeps it going.
I know we did whatever it took to make it work, but she was still not be ready to take the next step. I was tired of waiting for the next step and someone who is always working.
She is gone. I miss the loving good mornings and gentle good nights. The occasional I love you’s and the way her lips would kindly press against mine awakening a hunger and the man who I though had gone dormant inside. The way she played with my long wavey locks of hair and the way she hungrily latched onto my breast as I looked down upon her face.
The last time we spoke it was heart breaking as I was forced to make a decision, one I made to protect her.
I know I will eventually stop seeing her face in my dreams. The last we passed in a library not touching. She called out softly and eventually touched my hand saying I miss you so much and I love you, before disappearing. I want to hold on as long as I can.
I know I will stop feeling the touch of her hand. I try to block out that disastrous afternoon and remember our last night and morning together that was filled with so much passion.
I already can’t remember the smell of her hair. But I do remember the feeling of the each strand as they passed through my fingers as I held her to my bosom and kissed her crown to comfort her.
I miss hearing the gentle lily of her laugh and can’t remember what she sounds like. But oh her laugh. Her laugh always took me home. Something so comforting and familiar from long ago.
Do I still love her?
Oh how could I ever stop. The loss of her from my heart is like a scar that will never heal a wound that will never fully recover. But I have learned that relationships based on the feelings of love alone eventually crumble. This kind of love can’t stand on its own, and love does not always equal happily ever after.